Naruhodo, Kratos kun
by Vinegar Pandas
Summary: Love. Humor. Intrigue. Battle Scenes. Multiple pairings. Kratos. And maybe even OC's and a plot. At last, a story that has everything you've ever wanted. Now for only five ninety-five after rebate.


Hello, LNR here kicking off yet another fic. Hopefully this one will do more in terms of activity than _Life in Meals _oops. This is partly inspired by the recent knighting of Terry Pratchett, who some of you might know as the illustrious author of the Discworld series. I lack his writing skills, obviously, but here is my take on a parody/srs bizness piece. Don't forget to review!

Anyway, Vinegar Pandas proudly presents...**Naruhodo, Kratos-kun**

* * *

In Which (because this seems to be the way we start everything) Kratos Angsts and There is a Brief Romantic Interlude

He sat alone in a chair, blankly staring at countless flickering monitors. Not one of them offered him solace from his horrible situation: trapped on a floating comet to nowhere, with no one to comfort him. He had wrapped himself in his grief and anguish like a blanket; it consumed his life, or what little left of it there was.

All he had left were lifeless beings, but, Kratos wondered, had he become one of them as well? There was no point to his existence now that he had disposed of the Exspheres on Derris-Kharlan; no surprises had happened upon him so far in the vast and bleak expanse of space.

"Kratos-sama, the air lock is secured," an angel announced as it entered the room to make its customary report.

Kratos waved a hand mindlessly to dismiss his subordinate. "Thank you," he mumbled for the five-hundredth time in his long self-exile.

He glanced to the side in bleak helplessness. He had set up a chess board and arranged the pieces, hoping that perhaps he could defeat his own worst enemy, himself, at a game. Kratos lifted one of the pitch black (like the color of his life) pawns and examined it.

"You don't know how much I envy you," he said to the piece. "You have no life, and yet you serve an endless purpose. What is left here for me?" He set the piece down and cast another mournful glance around the room. "Love, hope, joy…I have deserted all of those things. I have fought against the life I've submitted myself to. But now…" He tipped the black king over in a symbolic manner. It fell down in seemingly slow motion, hitting the marble game board with a dull clunk before splitting in two. "I surrender…"

Now to go find a razor.

* * *

Meanwhile, Lloyd Irving had discovered the love of his life.

"You don't know how much this means to me," he said with all the sincerity he could muster- which was quite a lot, for Lloyd was a very kind and sincere person, in addition to being a muscular and well-built swordsman. They were sitting alone in a bedroom in the inn in Altamira, sitting across from each other holding hands loosely. A full moon was out, and if one listened closely, they could hear the melodious sounds of night trickling in through the open window. The curtains were fluttering artistically in the night breeze, ruffling the girl's hair and swirling it sensuously around her radiant face.

"Oh Lloyd…" she sighed. They had met downstairs by happenstance: he had been there to grab a quick drink (Zelos had educated him on the Journey of Regeneration in the finer points of drinking); she was looking for a special someone. It had only taken a few moments before they had retreated into the suite to have some time alone. "_You_ don't know how much this means to _me_."

Lloyd gazed deep into her eyes, drinking in the sight of those cerulean orbs staring back with equal intensity. They were the color of the ocean, like lapis lazuli without the gold, like sapphires in the moonlight; not even the glow of his Exsphere could match the heat of this woman's eyes. Her platinum blond hair which reached halfway down her back only made her eyes shine seemingly brighter as the colors played off of each other in the romantic moonlight. "I…I think I love you," he confessed helplessly.

The girl curled a lock of her platinum blond locks playfully around her right index finger. "You…you think so?"

"I think…" Lloyd scrunched up his face slightly in concentration. "I think…you are…the most beautiful person in the world." He smiled like the sun, even though it wasn't even out. "Your eyes…they're so…_beautiful_. I…I can't even think of the right words to describe them…they're so amazing…like you." He was so awed that he even managed to sound out of breath, what with eight ellipses in one breathtaking monologue.

She batted her eyelashes delicately, managing to also look oh so kawaii without meaning to. "You honor me," the girl demurred, retreating self-consciously. She cast her glance downward. "I mean, I'm no one special."

"No, no, you mean the world to me," Lloyd declared emphatically. "I'll protect you, no matter what." He pulled her into a tight embrace. "I swear on my mother's Exsphere."

"That's so kind…" his love responded, nestling deeper into his broad shoulders. "No one else would ever do that for me," she continued as they broke apart. They gazed into each other's eyes yet again, and each noticed the sincerity in the luminescent orbs in front of them.

Lloyd made the first move: leaning in, trembling as he did so, he tilted her face upward to press his lips to hers. With equal fervor she responded as her lips parted to allow his tongue to slip in. They remained locked for seemingly eternity before they pulled away, gasping in ecstasy.

"That was…amazing," Lloyd said in between breaths.

"That was…my first kiss," the girl responded shyly. "I'm so glad I could share it with you, because I was hoping it would be with you."

"Sugoi…" Lloyd murmured without realizing it.

"What?" The girl asked, leaning in to catch the word again.

"Gomen, I'm getting a little sappy, aren't I?" Lloyd asked, laughing a little nervously and scratching the back of his head sheepishly.

"Not at all," the girl said, giggling. "You're too kind when you do that, Lloyd-kun."

"Sheena must be rubbing off on both of us," Lloyd said before his face suddenly turned serious. "But I mean every word I say." The wind took the opportunity to blow further through the room as the waves crashed onto the shoreline below them, creating a cacophony of percussion that set the mood.

"No, no, not at all; this is how I normally speak," the girl replied, her face reflecting the serious romantic mood that had now fallen over the pair in their ocean view suite.

Lloyd sighed, sounding remarkably like his father as his hair fell over his eyes in a dark yet wild manner. "I've waited so long for this; it's amazing that here is where we both would be." He looked up, his eyes wild with love. "It's destiny; I know it is!" He moved a hand gently down her jaw line and caressed the crystal glittering brilliantly at her throat.

"Just like a girl I know," Lloyd reminisced.

"Because this _is _a girl you know," she responded.

"Too true," Lloyd said dreamily. He eased her gently down onto the plush bed, admiring the way she looked so delicate and yet so warm as he loomed over her. "I love you so much."

Colette beamed as she swept the hair out of his eyes even as his hands made it to the clasps of her clothes. "I love you too, Lloyd."

And the scene faded to black as triumphant bells rang in the air.

* * *

Kratos cursed life for the six-hundredth time that day. Not only had he broken his chess set, but he also had failed to find any razor that was worth his wrists. There was always his shaving razor, but that one was needed for a different purpose, and depressed though he was, he was not willing to risk infection by dirtying that particular blade. The only sharp object that would possibly work was a sword, and that defeated the purpose entirely: he wasn't meant to cut his hands off in the process.

"Sweet _Martel_," Kratos raged, even though he wasn't a believer.

There was a faint echo of "Amen" from outside: apparently, an angel had been passing by at that very moment.

The seraph stared blankly for a moment out toward the hallway before turning back to his daily task of looking at screens. Sector 8 was secure. Sector 12 was secure. Sector 16874 was secure. Was there ever a sector that wasn't secure?

_Who in their right minds would invade a _comet_? _They hadn't even run into the Death Star yet because it was the wrong fandom. Even if it meant risking possible annihilation by laser cannon, Kratos was sure that he would welcome even Imperial intervention at this point.

At this point he realized that something was very off with his characterization.

"It can't be," Kratos said, sighing dejectedly. "Life has rejected me to the point where it's rewriting my very being." A lesser being might have flopped woefully to the floor at that point, but he wasn't about to lower himself to that level quite yet. He sufficed with running a hand through his hair and groaning. "I must have been possessed to even consider staying on this blasted rock."

But then he remembered that one of the core tenants of his person was repentance and guilt and that in order to properly live up to his own expectations he needed to punish himself in one way or another. "I swear," he hissed, "as soon as my agent gets his hands on those writers…"

(A/N: Mmm Kratos, you look so cool when you're angry…)

"I amend my statement," Kratos said coolly, looking upward at the ceiling. "As soon as my agent gets his hands on _this_ writer…"

(A/N: Pretend the past couple of paragraphs never existed.)

TAKE 2

Kratos wandered the halls of Derris-Kharlan listlessly, nodding every so often as another angel bowed low at the sight of him. Tired of sitting around for the past couple of hours, he had found himself in need of another task to do; a book had sounded nice at the time, some ancient epic that would take him back to a time before his life began spiraling down into the nothingness.

It was at this point when there was a tap on his shoulder. He spun around slowly, expecting an angel to be standing there attentively.

He was not surprised. The helmeted being saluted briefly before intoning, "Kratos-sama, a call has come up for you in the control room."

Kratos frowned. "Are you sure?"

The angel might have rolled its eyes and replied "Well _of course_; I mean, we NPC's don't even have proper _names_" but unfortunately it had no personality whatsoever, and thus resorted to "Yes, Kratos-sama."

"Very well then," Kratos said wearily. He had just left the control room too. What a waste of time and energy. He walked past the angel, intent on returning to take his call, but then paused briefly and swiveled back around. "Ah, one more thing, as well."

The angel snapped to attention. "Yes, Kratos-sama?"

Kratos's eyes hardened. "Drop the '-sama', if you could? 'Kratos' is of Greek origin, not Japanese. Nor Mizuhoan, for that matter." He paused. "Mizuhoan…Mizuhoan...Mizuhonese?"

"Sir?"

"Just call me 'Lord Kratos'," Kratos said firmly before turning around and abruptly leaving. He had embarrassed himself enough for this chapter.

"This had better be my agent," he growled as he stalked back through the hallways.


End file.
